Mudda Struck

I longed for perfection in walls that looked like tragedy

Forgotten pieces of happiness sink to the bottom of a pool of dreams.

I am my father’s worst nightmare.

He had another one

A daughter he believes cannot love him the way he wants her to.

She clings to her mother faithfully, 

Hands held like secrets whispered in the dark

Her mother is her shield…

He calls to me, berates me, smirks. 

My mother steps in  between us like a dancer

Gracefully taking the stage to her performance, 

Yuh too mudda struck he says

Then his words fall mute.

I loved him, but my love was always killing me

A poison I had grown accustomed to

No one could save us, mother did try.

Yuh mudda struck!

He laughs like it’s a bad thing

Like I stepped in shit

Like I came out wrong and it was

Him that could make me right again.

He says these words to me daily

They were the worst things he could declare,

Bad words, curse words

That were supposed to leave me wincing in pain

Leave me gasping, surprised, or full of guilt.

It was like I was carrying around a scar only he could see.

If he only knew how badly  I longed for him– a father. 

I longed to love him if he let me

Believing a daughter needed her father too

But he never let himself become one.

He stood apart from me,

Instead of knowing how to love, chased us away.

Still not grasping what my mother was doing.

MUDDA STRUCK I was and he would spew

While she shielded me from his poison.

Because If anyone would know its lethality, it would be her.

Never letting me simmer in it knowing what he was capable of

Wanting his child and yet denying her, lambasting her, chastising her. 

Father spelled with confusion and emotional wreckage

I am the result.

But just imagine how much worse it would have been.

I would walk the rooms of our house listening to the echoes of his words

Wishing I was father struck instead

So he could love me the way he was supposed to…

On the day they lower him to sleep for the last time,

I thought of nothing else.

If only he understood his wreckage now.

Angela V. St. Pierre- Maynard
December 2020

Published by A. V.

Content creator, writer, founder and blogger at Tamarind The Blog

3 thoughts on “Mudda Struck

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: